Sure, there have been dozens of books written over the ages listing rules of gentlemanly conduct and ettiquette over the ages. Since books (and the ability to read them) were the domain of the well to do, it's no wonder that the rules were all aimed at the conduct of the wealthy. Modern sources have tried, with varying degrees of success, to translate these arcane rules into principles that might resonate with modern folk.
I'll go out on a limb and condence all of these rules into two simple principles.
What is needed?
In your dealings with other people you should ask yourself, what is needed here? What can I say or do that will leave this person a little better off for meeting me? Sometimes it's just a smile and a sincere thank you when someone serves you, taking the time to talk to a friend, to listen to their successes and issues, to help them when you can or to impress on them that you care about their situation if you can't. Sometimes what someone needs is for you to not help them, but the opposite, to let them handle it their way. What they need is your respect for their effort, for them to know that they are a valued part of your world.
This is where the books of etiquette failed. Every person is different, every situation is unique. Certainly, generalised rules of acceptable conduct are helpful to create safe boundaries but the sign of a true gentleman is that they can tell when to follow the rules and when to ignore them. "Rules are for the guidance of the wise and the blind obedience of fools". How do you know what is the right thing to do? Empathy. It is an essential attribute to learn so that you can read between the lines, be aware of the subtle signs of stress in others, to be able to judge when to intercede or, sometimes more importantly, when to simply support.
Be true to yourself
The other major principle is to be true to yourself. Find out what you need and find a way of giving it to yourself. Just as you should be empathic and care about others, you should be your own advocate as well as your own critic. Ego is not a dirty word. You cannot use your strength to help others if you don't have faith in your own strength of spirit, you can't bring peace to others if you cannot find peace yourself. Everybody fails at some time or other, we make mistakes, we act out of anger, spite, envy, overreaching pride. Be honest about your failings but be prepared to forgive yourself, to give yourself a way of working forward, resolving the issues.
However you must balance self care with discipline, especially in terms of personal relationships - there have to be limits. You would not be a friend to yourself if you allowed yourself to wander into danger or become a danger to society. Forgiving yourself does not mean condoning anti-social or self destuctive behaviour. Discipline means working out limits and goals for your relationship with yourself and with others - you aim for the goals and don't go past the limits without reason.
A Gentleman is a Gentlethem
I am not blind to the fact that the perception of a gentleman can be seen as sexist. Frankly the tone of this blog is cis male because that is how I identify but that doesn't mean to say that the values, the ideas and ideals that I speak of are confined by principles of sexuality.
The general principles I espouse as 'gentlemanly behaviour' apply to men, women and all the marvellous diversity of identity that lies between and beyond. Details of self image should make no difference in how you relate to yourself and others. We all need to learn to care for others and develop empathy. We all need to question our motives and ideals and have faith that we can and will become better people.
Your value as a human being, who you are and who you could become, has nothing to do with sexual identity and far, far more to do with your ethics and morals.
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